A complicated choice and Tarot cards.

Hello to all!!! Ha-Ha I’m enjoying myself these days I truly am. I seem to have been over run by books lots and lots of books, so many romance fiction novels that send my body into a craving of true and pure love… that doesn’t exists anywhere but in my imagination. It is now 2:11pm in army time that is 1411hours, I’m sitting here questioning my ability to make a choice on which Vitamin water I should drink first, Dragonfruit or Acai-blueberry-pomegranate, truly the hardest decision I have ever had to make HA! Maybe I should ask my brand new tarot cards.Well I have decided the blueberry pomegranate mmm yum. So back to the six books I’m trying to read at the same time, its not as hard as it sounds just read one if that doesn’t seem to fit your fancy in that particular moment find another one.

I really love Emilie Autumn she sets my spirits a sore with beautiful sounds, my heart ache in my want to be talented in any way possible. My talents resort to small talents such as making macramé/or/wire necklaces and bracelets, I crochet, I like to draw “Animated” characters… honest I’m not all that great at any of them though sometimes I lose my self in such things and I get a fierce determination, then I say “What the hell did I make!” sigh and forget that it exists. So I’ve picked up a new trick of trade that seems to fit my fancy, Tarot Cards, I know I know most will say “Your going to hell for that!” but, be that as it may I enjoy it and I still believe in God, A hire power all that jazz. I like my deck My friend bought it “The Vampire Tarot” he looked at it thought it was ugly and gave it to me, don’t I feel just oh so special… I really do. I’ve been doing my reading over and over again getting down everything I can I want to be like those old pretty gypsy ladies in movies that grabs the main characters and says “Come, come quick we haven’t much time. The cards are eager to tell you” corny I know but it seems glamorous in a way.  I feel the urge to try and tell everyone’s fortune though it’s more of a walk way or a guide not really telling you wants going to happen. Any ways not much of a talent to some I suppose but I feel the “passion” Ha-Ha I know that sounds so weird though it fits my description perfectly.

Well as I sit here wondering what I am to do with my life, I wish I had a car or someone to teach me to drive, I want to lose weight and become more active with myself so I feel more self worth and more self esteem so that I’m not ashamed when I want to leave my house and do something, I would love to have a job so more opportunities for myself. I fear I will be an old fat lady an old maid for the rest of my eternity. “She took who she could get, that wasn’t much.” That’s what my father said about my aunt, who I take after most in my family, My dad really has no room to speak when it comes to such things he’s a difficult person to live with he doesn’t really have the greatest of looks and the people he’s married. WOW did he really go there?! Come on dad my aunt is a great woman someone I look at and say I want to be somewhat like her. Back to what my dad said, it seems to run threw my head over and over at this moment, did he mean because of the way she looks? I look similar. Is it because of her personality? I am similar there too. Does this mean I have no hope to find love? Am I forever to be put in a relationship where love isn’t there and money is all that matters? Way to go dad giving your daughter some emotional instability. I can’t justify his words because they are so pigheaded, he’s such a close minded man. He does well for him self sometimes and he remembers God exists sometimes, that’s when he remembers I exist and tells me he loves me and very proud. Don’t get me wrong love my father so much I wouldn’t change anything for that would mean I would be changing myself and I love me look at me I’m a chucky 21 year old woman living in her mothers house no real talent and I don’t have any real self dependency. Well ha-ha this is awkward considering I truly do love myself and that sounds like I’m bashing myself, time to change the subject? Ok!

Now remember I’m a single woman and I haven’t had the best relationships but hey that’s a give in for this life time everyone seems to have had such things. I’ve found my self talking to many guys but, Only two truly talk to me like a person oddly they are both foreigners, oddly what does that say about us Americans? Hmmm where did our romance go or our true nature to show concern? Have we dug our own graves and forgotten our humanity? I’m in disgrace on how many times I’ve been asked for dirty pictures! Have you seen me?! I’m definitely not a “Pretty” woman who really wants to see this?! Come on!!! Ha-HA just kidding… sort of. Any ways forgetting that lets move on with what I was saying. Have people forgotten about porn? If I recall from my last empty weekend alone it does! Why do those people go on recording themselves if you’re just going to ignore it now?! I’m no porn star and I’m not starting now for some strange man, I don’t find that fun.  I want a relationship people someone who wants to be with me I want to get to know the deepest depths of your soul, so I can eat it later. I mean really what has life come to if I can’t make man friends any more? I want passion not “Oh yeah I’m wacking off to your face because I can’t seem to be a real human being and share who I am with anyone I’m complete all on my own!” wow, you sound human to me! Great goddess. Well at least now I know I’m sexy to 30 men all over the states!

So a new topic I know I seem to switch so much on topics but bear with my terrible ADHD. So like a week ago I lost my charger and I’m sitting here with my dying cell phone having to barrow my little brothers charger when the whole time it’s been in the computer room, where the hell did my detective skills go?! Huh?! Don’t I feel slightly dumb? Not really I feel completely fine. In fact, nope I’m stupid. Well now that we seem to have that clarified I just might step off and read a book or do a tarot card reading for myself, finish my acai-bluebarry-pomegranate vitamin water and then start on my dragonfruit one. Ah what a fulfilled lifestyle I have! Enjoy me as much as you can I’m not sure how much longer my invisible friends I will be with such nice accommodations because I’m sure I soon will be poor living on my own with a job that takes up most of my life, or I wont have internet and cable… wait yep all of that. Well I will bid my farewell at this point in time, Bye!

Ah! Yes... my dreams and wishes.

                As I sit alone in my mother’s house it is only two in the morning and I am drinking coffee listening to Miku Hatsune, who my friends recently had shown me I love the robotic stuff they got going on. I’ve gotten my cell phone turned back on so that’s awesome. Oh I did break up with that boyfriend that I once had, I’m just messing around now wondering what I’m doing with myself because at some point in my life all I wanted to do was find a man and settle down and now I’m sick of putting forth all of myself to keep something going that isn’t going to keep up. I find my self not attracted to anyone anymore I feel a bit dead inside with out feeling dead, something is keeping me going and I have yet to figure out what that thing is.  Maybe, and this is going to sound girly and hopelessly romantic, a man that I’m severely attracted to will come along and we will feel a strong magnetic pull toward one another embrace feeling everything right in the world. I want that type of love in my life something that will for sure make me want to live life with a glorious feeling. To bad life isn’t like that and love that that only happens to really stupid kids or fictional characters.  Le sigh, why can’t I be a character in a book of romance and tragedy? I can answer this, no I can’t, I’m just not worthy (or pretty) enough for something so beautiful. What did I do in a past life?! Don’t answer that if you know haha!

                Something I would like to learn in my lifetime would be to read tarot cards, oh I love those things I would be that crazy lady in a basement for telling some stranger there mysterious future with battles they will face sending them to there destines showing them there greatness. “I want to show you your greatness” I will say and they will give me dirty looks and hand me crumpled up dollars in an uncaring fashion sighing because they can’t believe they are doing this. I want to give someone the feeling of majestic beauty threw something that could mean nothing or everything. I want to make meals like a house wife that reads romance novels while lying in bed before sneaking a playful hand at my husband ensuring that I will be getting fun before going to bed. I want to write a novel so people can take a small glimps of the crazy stuff in my head and have a husband that will kiss the top of my head when he brings me coffee because he knows I’m going to pull and all nighter to get threw another chapter. I want a husband. I want him to be able to have me lean back on him when we are watching movies under a blanket on the couch. How pathetic I sound and oh so needy maybe I just need a good man. I think I’m asking for to much and my friends tell me I’m not asking for enough, I’ve settled and it hasn’t worked out so what’s wrong with asking for a little more like good conversations and encouraging words to be what I want to just have someone there that I can give my all too.  Oh well is all I can say to myself these days.

                I’m so bored there seems to be nothing to do at two in the morning I’m not tired do to all this coffee and my friend is texting me freaking out about gunshots. This is not that type of town every once in a while something really bad happens but not so close. I’m so paranoid right now I keep looking out my windows and its freaking me out a fat chick like myself, who really doesn’t have anything to defend herself with, is sitting on a computer typing about a possible misfortune of her life that most likely wont happen. These are reasons why I like to keep my house door locked while I’m asleep:

1)      I would rather not have a gun welding masochist in my house trying to rape me. (Wait… I’m unsexy cross that out!)

2)      Can’t let the homeless come in and squat in my mothers house while she’s away she wouldn’t be too happy about the dishes they would create. (Wait! Cross that out because my brother is in fact homeless and not really able to live here when he is.)

3)      I can’t let my house get robbed we have some nice things that would be sorely missed, like the electronic. (My mother took the coffee machine so that’s safe and the reason why I had to make coffee on the stove.)

4)      I can’t have my only source of food taken or eaten by strangers while I’m asleep, I would miss my noodles.

5)      Demons

6)      That last one scared me so I think I’ve run out of things to complain about. Lord save me I’ve become less intelligent. 

Well I think this has been in fact very informational about how I really have no life and should really consider getting a job because this here isn’t doing any one any good. I need another cup of stove coffee and to find out if my friend is ok, guns hmmm there ok but, some of the people that own them are not. He seems to not be responding to my texts I’m really worried right about now. I just hope he’s ok I want him to be safe and his friends.

I need to lose weight and learn to fight so I can defend myself if a homeless gun welding masochist who comes to rape me and steal my noodles comes along I can beat the hell out of him. My only technique right now is possibly pretending that someone already got the goods which include me lying down and pretending to be dead or something like that. Save me from myself people I’m just rambling and wasting my energy on talking to people who aren’t even there. I’m sorry my invisible friends I was intending to create a video to see what works best for me but, my webcam is a peace of crap and wont save anything. I’m actually getting quite tired. I will have to leave the door unlocked even though I don’t want to I will because my brothers are out doing goddess knows what and wont be back until when ever they feel works for them. Just wish and hope I don’t die or come to any harm for I would really very much dislike something like that happening.