Love can also mean Pain

I suppose I know what real love is, not the “I’ve found my soul mate!” type of love, but the “My best friend is family” type of love. Remember how I was sad that my friends where ignoring me, well it happened to be true to the point that we aren’t friends any more. I still do not know why this all happened and I don’t know if I want to know. I would apologize if I knew what it was, it seems I’m not worthy enough to know why I’m to be treated so lowly.

I wish I could just sit down and say the most terrible things about them, I can’t it hurts me to much to say anything of the sort, I can complain about the way they treated me and I can of course call them assholes and d-bags I’m not even sure I mean it other than a defensive “I’m hurting” type of way. I can’t believe that I’m going to say this, I’m sure I’d take them back even though I’ve been treated like dirt.

They aren’t my only friend and I can avoid them, exception for today because its my good friends birthday and they will be there. That’s right this is the reason I’m writing this because I’m overwhelmed with the pain of having to see them and fake joy that at some moments will be real until I remember they are always faking it. I’m nothing to them anymore I wasn’t ever anything and I think that’s what hurts most that I fell so deeply into there trap of false love and care, or maybe it’s the way that they thought I was so easily casted aside.

I don’t know if it makes it better or worse that I’m listening to Adele 21, my mother just bought it and put it on the computer. I love my mother; for some reason these songs put me in a neutral state of mind so I feel better because I love her music. I’ve been crying because I’m in a slump, I think I’ll go threw all of my fake smiles tomorrow that I’ll have to stay home for the next week locked in my room reading trying not to think of the real world and my problems. Maybe I’ll think up some new things for my novel because god knows I need to keep up with that so I can finally say I accomplished something difficult.

I think the lesson is, its ok to love your friends. You will have those types of friends that will hurt you, some of your friends will stay neutral with the both of you because they love you both equally (Never ask them to chose its never the right thing to do.), while you’ll have the ones that will ignore the whole situation because is something they wont touch(They are great friends because they wont talk about it, it’s a process these friends are necessary.), and lastly you will have the instigators or they could also be the “on your side.” Types (Treasure these friends indulge a bit in there nonsense they will boost your confidence and assure you that you are a great person.).

I love my friends they are the greatest and I would never trade them for anything in the world, I hope that all of you will have a chance at these friends. Life is so full of experiences you’ll have Great ones that you’ll remember all of your life and you’ll have bad ones that you will remember equally as much if not more.

I think that I now know that I can go threw with seeing these people because I know I’m a great person so this shouldn’t be as bad as I’m making it out to be. I can get threw anything if I put my mind to it. I can take a blow to my emotional standing and I can give out just as bad a blow, but the difference is I don’t find it necessary to do such things. I’m just around to have a great time and accomplish my life goals! Wish me luck on my journey called life, because I sure as hell am determined to do all I can for me and you should do the same!

My new found love for Hot Foreign men and Welsh accents.

Ok so remember that kid show of doom, the mermaid one that eats my soul and sings to me about building them a house. Bubble guppies, that’s the name of this show that kills me every second that it’s on the TV. I know cartoons are out to defeat the laws of physics and such, but for the sake of my sanity I wish my mother wouldn’t play this show for the kids.

On a happier bliss filled note I have found my kink in the place called “Celebrity loving!” as much as I find some actors hot or actresses pretty I didn’t know how much I could love an actor until I watched a show called “Misfits” that’s about a group of delinquents that end up with super powers, really funny show by the way laughed as hard as I have in along time. In this show there an actor named Robert Sheehan who plays “Nathan” in the show who is my favorite character. Robert Sheehan is beautiful my eyes have seen nothing in comparison I have now watched “The season of the witch” and I’m now watching “Cherrybomb” I will continue to find movies and shows he is in so I can enjoy the sight of him. I shall own these movies and I will own posters if they are available because to wake up in my room and see him every day would please me to no end! I’ve fallen in love with accents, I know girly and a bit cliché but I can’t help but melt when I hear that Irish accent of his. I crave it now. Why is this how it is, why are foreign men the hot commodity in life? I think its best to learn about other places from the source that’s why I like foreign men, my brother Anthonee on the other hand thinks that if I want to learn something I should look it up on the internet. I wont be going anywhere or seeing anything new if I’m just sitting here looking at pictures and reading about someone else’s experience. I feel that’s why they are attractive because they have a full mind of beauty that’s just sitting there waiting for me to ask them to show me, take me with you let me see for myself.

I really wish my friend Ryan would let me hear his voice because we’ve skyped so many times, yes I’ve seen him and he’s beautiful, I’m usually the only one on cam when he and I skype though. He says I probably won’t understand his welsh accent, but god I bet I would and I’m quite positive that my insides will melt as soon as I hear it though. I told him I’m impatient and I can’t wait to hear his voice, I have no clue on why he wouldn’t want me to hear it. Man do I need a life, I need a job and things to do I still need to have my first drink in a bar. I need to experience things like a real person like I’m alive. I need to feel more alive I need someone to help show me the way or I’m going to be scared in my shell never leaving to do anything no matter how much I want to walk away and do something. I’m going to get off now I don’t know when I’ll blog again HA! Probably tomorrow because I  have nothing else to do with my self.

Oh "Friendship is rare" great song

So yes I’m going to post another one of these!

                Hi, again, I’m here to tell you what I think once more on my friendship status! I’m way past pissed and defeated or what not so I figured I’d talk to them and get all this crap that’s going on out in the open so I can realize what I’ve done own up  to it and move on. I forgive my friends for acting like children and treating this situation like this, ignoring me and thinking this will pass threw there system and then be friends with me once more like this never happened. I’m not like that I want to take responsibility of course I want to still be friends because why be friends this long and just end it like it meant nothing. If that’s how it is then they have more problems with me then they thought and we should get it out while we can. Why not out this and let me know, take a verbal bashing from the very people who I view as family. That’s how this works you communicate with out that we have nothing and will never become stronger with one another. Are these the people I want to go threw a zombie apocalypse with? I understand the “I’ll trip you if zombies are chasing me so I can get away.” But I’m more of the “Hey I don’t want to be alone at the end of this so I’ll save you.” I’m sure most of my friends would trip me and I’m ok with that as long as my death isn’t in vain and they survive if not I hope I’m the one to consume them.

                I would like to go on with the fact that I’m not as simple minded as I put myself out to be I do have a brain and many things I wish to discuss with people, my friends seem to not want to do this so I’m put down often and I take these put down with pride because I know that these are the people I want to go threw life with. Considering how I’m being treated I realize now they don’t seem to feel the same way. I’m not going to say “Big mistake on my part.” Because it isn’t this isn’t a mistake or anything of the sort I trust them to come around and things to go back as they where because I can forgive and forget so I can move on, or we can move on if you must.  I also realize that I can’t always get what I want but they the sure hell will do what ever it takes for it to be that way with them and I except that. I will always give I don’t expect to receive because I don’t care I would chose to make another happy before myself, others may call me “Stupid” for this act alone and I also accept there inability to understand that I do this. I give so much and I believe that I will get back what I put forth. I might be blind to what it is that I’m receiving but I’m sure I’ll realize it in the end.

                I don’t care if you accept my faults or not because I love me every bit and piece, yes I’m made of bits and pieces so be careful and treasure my existence! I am a frickin bucket of gold! I wish ha! I should end this now before I ramble on to much! Good bye I have a skyping friend who needs my attention! Oh and while I was typing I listened to this song, Enjoy! 

 Oh and this one!

Spin with me.

                Ok I know last blog total downer I think my blog will be like that for a while and I guess that’s ok so here goes another whirlwind, so please just spin with meJ.

                My friend posted a song last night for sad reasons I couldn’t help but listen, that song put me in the thought process of sadness and tears in which I turned into a blog. I’m listening to that song again I can’t help that I find it beautiful, I continue to restart it and immerse myself into it over and over again. I think of only one line actually “while a voice in side me cries I’m sure someone will answer my call” I can’t help but feel so strongly to comment on his video “What kind of cry are you sending out?” I haven’t the courage to ask this because I’m afraid of what he might say… or not say. How would I handle what he says am I sure that I’m ready to hear it, I barely know him and I really want to help him. Is this the person I am? Should I be proud I want to be there for a stranger or should I be ashamed for not knowing someone and just pushing myself into there life.

On a side note- I’m disappointed in my brother Who just tried to tell me to get off the computer with 21$ I don’t care for money I really don’t, its nice have when I need something like food or shelter. He told me there’s something wrong with me for not jumping off the computer for 21$. I think I’m perfectly fine I don’t need 21$ if I wanted it I would earn it.

                I had brunch today with a family friend and she’s awesome the sort of person I would have made friends with on my own we talked and walked around a store we bought makeup and various other items. I realized something last night that I shared with her today, I always meet guys and I talk with them then feel that they are only temporary, how she put it was like this “I got with a few ex-boyfriends just to have a boyfriend.” I find this statement true for myself as well, but I feel there is more to it for me like how If I like the boy a lot I will do what I can to change myself to get him, I want to appeal to there interests I want them to want me. This of course isn’t the right way because in the end I will be hurt do to there lack of interest in the actual me they wont like the real me like I want them to. This of course is why I feel so odd about my guy friend who I spoke of earlier, the one who posted that music video. I act myself with him oddly enough I feel comfortable with myself talking to him ether I’m becoming smarter or I really like this guy.  I knew being myself would result in guys liking me for me but I was afraid they wouldn’t before and now I’m not and I think I’m proud of my self for this.  I really wish he could talk to me more often so I could know him more, but I can be patient for him oddly enough.  I wonder what it is that’s going on with me, why do I feel so alone and so complete? I can just sit back now and enjoy life with out doing anything, I still want of course I still want to go to sleep with a man holding me or I still want my friends and I to enjoy a good time. I just feel content with nothing. I wish I had someone.

                This is like my personal diary that everyone can read. I don’t want you to pity me if I right something sad and I’m not sending this out there to be “Understood” I just want a way to release and sometimes if feels right and I feel so more free like I’m actually doing something for me.

                I would like to transition this to a little more about me, wait all this is about me ha-ha, I would love to write more about others but I seem to not do too much out side of my house so alas I have nothing else to write about but me. I seem to have too much sympathy that I cry so easily for someone else and I feel there pain even if I haven’t met them. I could say this is what makes me weak and sick person one to fall easily into another’s trap, and that happens often. Why can’t I stop? I read something that means so much to someone else so full of pain and I burst into tears as though it were my own pain, here is the thing, I have never willingly cried in front of people when, I think it matters most, like at a funeral or when I was saying good by to my best friend. I cried as soon as I was out of sight though I tried to hide it as though I was ashamed maybe I am I’m ashamed to let others see me cry Like I am a weak person and to let someone see me cry its like they now know my weakness so they can use it against me and its unfair I never have the advantage. I can recall only three times I have ever cried publicly:

1)    1)  I was at my friends house and my brother was there picking on me the whole time I got so angry I cried not sob cry though I fought my tears, I’m so lucky to have these friends because they acted as though it never happened and I love  them deeply for that.

2)    2)  My first boyfriend broke up with me I had of course seen it coming but my emotions where so weak from fighting to keep things going that as I fought my tears on a city bus I sobbed like a baby until I got off at home to be consoled by my mother whom I love so much.

3)     3) When I was just on my own emotional rollercoaster ride unhappy with how I looked I skipped a meal or too with out knowing for the next couple of days I would be in situations in where I was unable to obtain food for myself by the time I got back home I really wanted to eat but I didn’t want to be near anyone when I did my mother told me my dinner was in the fridge, when I went to eat my brother had eaten my food and I just fell to the ground in self defeat and sobbed to my self. Then my sister walked in and like the demon I felt was consuming me I told her to leave with an angry broken tone.

                I think that when I find someone I can share there pain and they can except my weakness to cry for every little thing, I hope to god I can find that person I can cry comfortably in front of this would make me that happiest person I could be.

A change of pace

                I wonder when I will get the courage to do my own things. I sit at home wondering what happened and where have all my friends gone. I’ve grown sick with myself its time for a change I need to find someone else to be me because I’m annoyed with who I am right now. I want love I do and I’m not quite sure what I would do with it when I had it because I’m not quite sure what to do with myself right now. I need help and I would love to find someone to help me I need someone who will be always with me kicking me in the ass and saying “Get up we’re going for a walk all the way across town and back” just so I can blindly agree and just fallow because that’s what I want to do. I’ve had so many people come in and out of my life I don’t even know who I am because I follow but for some reason I like following people I don’t have to make decisions or do something stupid and it be my fault. I need to realize I can do things, I have no clue what went wrong or how I got it in my head that I can’t do things on my own. I want to blame it on the fact that when I was a kid I never went to my friends houses on my own I always had to have my step sister with me no matter how much I cried and whined on how it wasn’t far. I can’t blame that because obviously I was willing to do things on my own. I don’t want someone to hold my hand the rest of my life I need to do things on my own. Where was I when everyone was earning there “self-dependency”? I know where I was I was the kid always saying no to hanging out with anyone and going strait home so I wouldn’t have to do anything. I think I hated myself, I think I hate myself.

                I realize that I can do so much more with myself I’m just afraid of the consequences. I’m nothing if I do nothing, I don’t want to be nothing. I get angry and jealous when my friends do things and I don’t because I have nothing if I’m not with them, that’s how I feel. I shouldn’t feel that way I should be doing things for myself on my own so I can say to myself that I am me and I do this because I’m someone. I have a new plan ok I hope to god I go threw with it or I will regret it for the rest of my life I plan to set an alarm on my phone so I wake up at a decent time and I will write on my arms every morning and put sticky notes all over my mirror saying things like “DON’T YOU DARE GET ON THE COMPUTER”. I will pack my bag full of creative things and maybe some healthy snacks and go on a walk to the arboretum or a park. Anywhere other than sitting here at home where no one talks to me and I never leave. I’m getting to the point where I want to cry every day because I feel so damn pathetic like I can’t do anything for myself. I can’t wait for Helen to get back I’m counting the mother fucking seconds I need her to kick my ass into gear so I love myself and want to do more things for me. I can’t depend on her though I need to get a head start by going threw with my plan and walking every day EVERY DAY! I need to be true with myself and try hard for me so I can be happy.

                I’m setting my timer on my phone now, I’m not going to let anyone ruin this for me I can not, no WILL NOT fall into my old routine where I’m just waiting for someone to remember I’m alive and want to hang out with me I need to want to be out in life showing others I exist!  I’m just sitting here talking about it I need to do this so I feel less like a black hole of bullshit. Thank you all who have been reading and putting up with my whining J I feel much better now.

Happy 4th of July and a deep fear! ^.^

Ah a happy forth of july! I’m sitting in the dark on the internet jamming out to “The Beatles” all alone. I missed out on the fireworks and that’s ok because they will be there next year. I’m going to jam out to a lot of tunes while playing on my brothers X-Box and chatting on the phone with a new found friend J he’s a cool person.

                I will regret none of my decisions made I will do what I want. I enjoy being alone though I do confess I get paranoid and check the windows for strange people or zombies because you’ll never know when you’ll need to be prepared to flee! Not that the families surrounding my house with there firecrackers are making me jealous or any thing… -Looks away awkwardly before bowing my head- Yeah they are. I really wish I was enjoying my night with someone. J I hope its ok to cry to myself tonight because I feel so alienated from life like this place will harbor my soul What if I’m dead and this is my eternity alone in this house as punishment for being afraid to want to go out and do things on my own. Man why am I like this? Can’t I just grab my nonexistent BALLS march out of here and do something with my life. Why am I so dependent?! Why am I just bitching about it instead of actually doing something?! I’ve figured it out! I’m afraid of people. Why you may be asking, I really have no answer to this I have no clue when I started to feel this way I’ve only realized this recently see I’m supposed to have a job and do things to progress my life but I can’t I’m stopping myself.

                Helen asked if it was because of rejection, its not I have no fear of that I would probably hope I would be rejected. Its not that I don’t have people skills because that wouldn’t be true I’ve been a goody-goody all my life I can chat with people and have a good conversation. Meh I’m done with this! Haha well for now any ways my depressions kicking my ass right now but I’ll pick back up in a bit… I hope O.O

An Awkward dream that I must share!

So I had this dream. Yeah, I know you think “WEIRDO ALERT”, But come on give it a chance this one truly weird’s me out ok so lets do this!

 It’s the fourth of July and I’m not a happy person so I sleep al day on a recliner in the living room when nobody is even in the house. I mean this house is empty other than one of my brothers sleeping in the basement. So I’m sleeping in a recliner and I have this weird dream.

I’m at a hotel (Of course it’s a dream I’m to poor for such things.) and I’m having a party of course with a pool and I know nobody other than my mother and her friend Tonia. Next thing I know I’m not even swimming in this awesome looking pool I’m sitting right out side of it eating veggies with Asians!!!!!!  A hot Asian man to boot… to bad he had to Asian girls. By the looks of how he was hanging out with me of course he wasn’t with them like that. J So I have another party like thing with people I don’t know who tell me my Asian friends are bad people who are setting me up for something bad. This turns out to be true and that guy is hot and I confront him he says it’s true.

From this point he becomes slightly rough in the way he talks with me, I can’t help but to melt in my heart because he’s so HOT! So of course he doesn’t get to do what he planned so back to having fun like we did before he’s on top of me now tickling me and I have the sudden urge to just want to make out with him… then he farts on me laughs and runs away I’m laughing then I wake up… WHO THE FUCK FARTS ON PEOPLE!!! IN A DREAM NO LESS!!!!

I’m ashamed that my mind produced such rubbish. This is a short blog… but I don’t have much else to share. Right now anyways. Was told that if I was pregnant, the guy who I haven’t slept with wishes it was his. I’m not in a pregnancy scare, GOD no I’m not, I haven’t had sex sense my birthday that was in March. I just thought I should share this mildly creepy thing that just happened to me, Enjoy your day!