This is like my personal diary that everyone can read. I don’t want you to pity me if I right something sad and I’m not sending this out there to be “Understood” I just want a way to release and sometimes if feels right and I feel so more free like I’m actually doing something for me.

                I would like to transition this to a little more about me, wait all this is about me ha-ha, I would love to write more about others but I seem to not do too much out side of my house so alas I have nothing else to write about but me. I seem to have too much sympathy that I cry so easily for someone else and I feel there pain even if I haven’t met them. I could say this is what makes me weak and sick person one to fall easily into another’s trap, and that happens often. Why can’t I stop? I read something that means so much to someone else so full of pain and I burst into tears as though it were my own pain, here is the thing, I have never willingly cried in front of people when, I think it matters most, like at a funeral or when I was saying good by to my best friend. I cried as soon as I was out of sight though I tried to hide it as though I was ashamed maybe I am I’m ashamed to let others see me cry Like I am a weak person and to let someone see me cry its like they now know my weakness so they can use it against me and its unfair I never have the advantage. I can recall only three times I have ever cried publicly:

1)    1)  I was at my friends house and my brother was there picking on me the whole time I got so angry I cried not sob cry though I fought my tears, I’m so lucky to have these friends because they acted as though it never happened and I love  them deeply for that.

2)    2)  My first boyfriend broke up with me I had of course seen it coming but my emotions where so weak from fighting to keep things going that as I fought my tears on a city bus I sobbed like a baby until I got off at home to be consoled by my mother whom I love so much.

3)     3) When I was just on my own emotional rollercoaster ride unhappy with how I looked I skipped a meal or too with out knowing for the next couple of days I would be in situations in where I was unable to obtain food for myself by the time I got back home I really wanted to eat but I didn’t want to be near anyone when I did my mother told me my dinner was in the fridge, when I went to eat my brother had eaten my food and I just fell to the ground in self defeat and sobbed to my self. Then my sister walked in and like the demon I felt was consuming me I told her to leave with an angry broken tone.

                I think that when I find someone I can share there pain and they can except my weakness to cry for every little thing, I hope to god I can find that person I can cry comfortably in front of this would make me that happiest person I could be.