Ok I know last blog total downer I think my blog will be like that for a while and I guess that’s ok so here goes another whirlwind, so please just spin with meJ.
My friend posted a song last night for sad reasons I couldn’t help but listen, that song put me in the thought process of sadness and tears in which I turned into a blog. I’m listening to that song again I can’t help that I find it beautiful, I continue to restart it and immerse myself into it over and over again. I think of only one line actually “while a voice in side me cries I’m sure someone will answer my call” I can’t help but feel so strongly to comment on his video “What kind of cry are you sending out?” I haven’t the courage to ask this because I’m afraid of what he might say… or not say. How would I handle what he says am I sure that I’m ready to hear it, I barely know him and I really want to help him. Is this the person I am? Should I be proud I want to be there for a stranger or should I be ashamed for not knowing someone and just pushing myself into there life.
On a side note- I’m disappointed in my brother Who just tried to tell me to get off the computer with 21$ I don’t care for money I really don’t, its nice have when I need something like food or shelter. He told me there’s something wrong with me for not jumping off the computer for 21$. I think I’m perfectly fine I don’t need 21$ if I wanted it I would earn it.
I had brunch today with a family friend and she’s awesome the sort of person I would have made friends with on my own we talked and walked around a store we bought makeup and various other items. I realized something last night that I shared with her today, I always meet guys and I talk with them then feel that they are only temporary, how she put it was like this “I got with a few ex-boyfriends just to have a boyfriend.” I find this statement true for myself as well, but I feel there is more to it for me like how If I like the boy a lot I will do what I can to change myself to get him, I want to appeal to there interests I want them to want me. This of course isn’t the right way because in the end I will be hurt do to there lack of interest in the actual me they wont like the real me like I want them to. This of course is why I feel so odd about my guy friend who I spoke of earlier, the one who posted that music video. I act myself with him oddly enough I feel comfortable with myself talking to him ether I’m becoming smarter or I really like this guy. I knew being myself would result in guys liking me for me but I was afraid they wouldn’t before and now I’m not and I think I’m proud of my self for this. I really wish he could talk to me more often so I could know him more, but I can be patient for him oddly enough. I wonder what it is that’s going on with me, why do I feel so alone and so complete? I can just sit back now and enjoy life with out doing anything, I still want of course I still want to go to sleep with a man holding me or I still want my friends and I to enjoy a good time. I just feel content with nothing. I wish I had someone.
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