I wonder when I will get the courage to do my own things. I sit at home wondering what happened and where have all my friends gone. I’ve grown sick with myself its time for a change I need to find someone else to be me because I’m annoyed with who I am right now. I want love I do and I’m not quite sure what I would do with it when I had it because I’m not quite sure what to do with myself right now. I need help and I would love to find someone to help me I need someone who will be always with me kicking me in the ass and saying “Get up we’re going for a walk all the way across town and back” just so I can blindly agree and just fallow because that’s what I want to do. I’ve had so many people come in and out of my life I don’t even know who I am because I follow but for some reason I like following people I don’t have to make decisions or do something stupid and it be my fault. I need to realize I can do things, I have no clue what went wrong or how I got it in my head that I can’t do things on my own. I want to blame it on the fact that when I was a kid I never went to my friends houses on my own I always had to have my step sister with me no matter how much I cried and whined on how it wasn’t far. I can’t blame that because obviously I was willing to do things on my own. I don’t want someone to hold my hand the rest of my life I need to do things on my own. Where was I when everyone was earning there “self-dependency”? I know where I was I was the kid always saying no to hanging out with anyone and going strait home so I wouldn’t have to do anything. I think I hated myself, I think I hate myself.
I realize that I can do so much more with myself I’m just afraid of the consequences. I’m nothing if I do nothing, I don’t want to be nothing. I get angry and jealous when my friends do things and I don’t because I have nothing if I’m not with them, that’s how I feel. I shouldn’t feel that way I should be doing things for myself on my own so I can say to myself that I am me and I do this because I’m someone. I have a new plan ok I hope to god I go threw with it or I will regret it for the rest of my life I plan to set an alarm on my phone so I wake up at a decent time and I will write on my arms every morning and put sticky notes all over my mirror saying things like “DON’T YOU DARE GET ON THE COMPUTER”. I will pack my bag full of creative things and maybe some healthy snacks and go on a walk to the arboretum or a park. Anywhere other than sitting here at home where no one talks to me and I never leave. I’m getting to the point where I want to cry every day because I feel so damn pathetic like I can’t do anything for myself. I can’t wait for Helen to get back I’m counting the mother fucking seconds I need her to kick my ass into gear so I love myself and want to do more things for me. I can’t depend on her though I need to get a head start by going threw with my plan and walking every day EVERY DAY! I need to be true with myself and try hard for me so I can be happy.
I’m setting my timer on my phone now, I’m not going to let anyone ruin this for me I can not, no WILL NOT fall into my old routine where I’m just waiting for someone to remember I’m alive and want to hang out with me I need to want to be out in life showing others I exist! I’m just sitting here talking about it I need to do this so I feel less like a black hole of bullshit. Thank you all who have been reading and putting up with my whining J I feel much better now.
No comments:
Post a Comment