How great!

Today marks the first day with no nightmare and no waking up thinking about him. I think this will be a great day. Possibilities seen possible and I won't see him or talk to him. Hopefully I won't see him ever again. I don't feel the need to rub my life in his face good or bad. I just want to move on, even if I have a twinge of pain in my chest it won't be any effect to me!
To smile again with truest intent is something I need.
To be healthy mind and body is something I would like to achieve.
Let myself move on for the better.
To love myself.

Healing

It's going to take some time... I hate when people tell me he was probably cheating on me it make it worse.
Some days I feel really good.  Today wasn't one of those days. Every day is a new revaluation on the situation. New pain opens when others are still healing.
Healing isn't always fast, sometimes it's long and painful. Sometimes I feel like I can do this and other days I want to take a mouth full of pills.
Death is not an answer. I can't let it be. What would I be teaching others, I wouldn't want to be taught that it's ok to leave a hole in the life's of everyone around.
Sometimes I'm so angry I want to hurt him. I don't want to hurt her though, she doesn't deserve it she is just another victim.
I shouldn't think of myself as a victim it will only lead to worse feelings I don't think I deserve.
Closure, I haven't been able to receive it and I'm trying everything I can to make this situation better.
A new beginning is something I want for myself. I don't want to share my life with anyone just yet, but I can restart with myself and be happy alone.
I really love myself and I know if I truly did I would want to die, its a love hate relationship.
Why do I still love him. Why did he have to be in my life? Maybe I needed to learn something.
Did he get anything from this other than a constant fuck? He didn't even want that I guess...
Who knows, maybe he will want me back. I don't want him back. I don't even want to see him. I don't want to talk to him. I can't even sleep with out dreaming of the pain he gave me. I have to bare it, feel the heavy weight of the emptiness he left. I don't even want to fill that spot. I can't even see myself with anyone else.
Ny friends and family know what I love and they encourage me.
They love me. I love them. I feel so alone even when I'm surrounded. I feel like a fairy that could fly and I meet a human that thought I was amazing. He saw another fairy so he clipped my wings so no one else could have me at my best.
Tells me how I'm not any good, he doesn't have to say the words he just implies that I'm no good with what he says.
He says he's not trying to be mean, than he says horrible things and pokes at my wounds and laughs while he shows off his new toy.
She saw first hand how things went with me and she thinks she's safe... maybe she is...
All I can do is run away and try to heal.

What could be.

It has been a while though if you thought that a couple of years would have saved you from my depression, you my dear are sadly mistaken.
I have been in the worst downward spiral and I fear this time I won't get out of it.
Everyine keeps telling me I'm tough but I'm not so sure I am. I an human and fragile, I have feeling that are so deep and I have been through some tough times.
From the outside it may seem like I take to people to easy, do I easily love? No I don't. I test and trial and never do I open up willingly about myself personally. Two years, two was enough time to have someone prod and search into my soul and then crush it.
I should have graded myself better, tried harder to not let him get information about me from me. I should have known, maybe I did from the moment he wouldn't let me in. I was suffocating and struggling to get him to let me in that I never noticed his plan to leave.
We talked about marriage and babies. Ready to buy a house together... why? Was this just a sick joke? Does he feel like a better man?

He told me how I held him back and that I was holding myself back, I supported him. Told that boy my happiness came from his. I would have walked to the edge and back and when I did it wasn't in me to even believe he would have been the one to push me off.

I suppose it's true, love is blind. I blinded myself with so much love that I looked beyond his flaws. I started fearing making him upset with me, because he belittled me. I crave his touch... I can't even move on and it's killing me. I'm so selfish I'm killing myself, maybe not right now though in time. If I keep going in this direction I won't even have myself anymore.
Sometimes I feel so great and time isn't an issue.
Sometimes I feel so alone, life has no meaning and there seems to be no point to live.
What am I good at?
What am I going to do?
WHO AM I?

All these questions and no answers.

Why am I so alone?

I want to scream, yell at people, "HELP ME!"
Who wants to help me when I can't even help myself? Do I even want to help myself?
Do I want to work for a future?
Am I ever going to find what I love to do?
I don't have money, I am good at being domestic. I don't want to be a stay at home wife, though it does sound tempting.
I want to write novels but, surprise surprise I suck at that too.
I wanted to be a chef and I let my fear ruin that for me.

I don't lack in passion, my emotions demonstrate that.
Why can't I figure this out? I'm twenty-five with out shit to show for it. He pointed that out. Why do I have to figure it out now?

I just want to die. No children, no money, nothing. I have nothing to give the world.

I feel so stupid for even typing it.

How can I feel so bad for feeling?
I can't even get a break from myself.
My friends always support me, my family as well.
They're words sometimes make me feel good, but they sometimes just feel like lines that they say to shut me up.
I love them they are trying so hard.
I'm trying hard not to depress them.
I moved, I am trying to take him out of my life.
He wants to be friends, says he cares deeply.
He's already moved on... not even two weeks after leaving me.
I hate myself.
It hurts to breath sometimes.
I don't want to sleep because I dream about him and I just relive it all over every day.
Life isn't all about a man.
What do you do when it becomes that way?
I'm no longer comfortable anywhere.
I can still go places.
I'm scared when my phone rings.
Why am I so stupid?

I'm afraid I can never have that ever again and I don't want him to ruin that for me, I'm sure he has though.

I have thought about killing myself, every day actually. I wont, I have fought this part of me before. Its gotten stronger, I don't know how much longer I can talk myself out of it.

I cry so much that I could fill a tub.
I don't want him back even when I crave him.

I wish he could feel this pain, his time will come and I won't be the cause.

How was this so easy for him? I shouldn't have made this easy for him.

Don't tell me god is here. You sound cheesy. I believe in something but I'm not sure what. I had God for a long time but, I just couldn't anymore.

Maybe I'm so pathetic I deserve this, I know I need some work.
Why do I feel like I need so much damn help?
Why am I so needy?
I hate that about me.
I don't care for my looks, I don't mean I hate my looks just that I don't mind looking the way I do.

I don't care for how you look. I will love everyone the same.

I just wish others where the same.

Why do I crave love?

We could have been great. I could have been amazing.

Maybe I should stop wondering what could have been.