Healing

It's going to take some time... I hate when people tell me he was probably cheating on me it make it worse.
Some days I feel really good.  Today wasn't one of those days. Every day is a new revaluation on the situation. New pain opens when others are still healing.
Healing isn't always fast, sometimes it's long and painful. Sometimes I feel like I can do this and other days I want to take a mouth full of pills.
Death is not an answer. I can't let it be. What would I be teaching others, I wouldn't want to be taught that it's ok to leave a hole in the life's of everyone around.
Sometimes I'm so angry I want to hurt him. I don't want to hurt her though, she doesn't deserve it she is just another victim.
I shouldn't think of myself as a victim it will only lead to worse feelings I don't think I deserve.
Closure, I haven't been able to receive it and I'm trying everything I can to make this situation better.
A new beginning is something I want for myself. I don't want to share my life with anyone just yet, but I can restart with myself and be happy alone.
I really love myself and I know if I truly did I would want to die, its a love hate relationship.
Why do I still love him. Why did he have to be in my life? Maybe I needed to learn something.
Did he get anything from this other than a constant fuck? He didn't even want that I guess...
Who knows, maybe he will want me back. I don't want him back. I don't even want to see him. I don't want to talk to him. I can't even sleep with out dreaming of the pain he gave me. I have to bare it, feel the heavy weight of the emptiness he left. I don't even want to fill that spot. I can't even see myself with anyone else.
Ny friends and family know what I love and they encourage me.
They love me. I love them. I feel so alone even when I'm surrounded. I feel like a fairy that could fly and I meet a human that thought I was amazing. He saw another fairy so he clipped my wings so no one else could have me at my best.
Tells me how I'm not any good, he doesn't have to say the words he just implies that I'm no good with what he says.
He says he's not trying to be mean, than he says horrible things and pokes at my wounds and laughs while he shows off his new toy.
She saw first hand how things went with me and she thinks she's safe... maybe she is...
All I can do is run away and try to heal.