What could be.

It has been a while though if you thought that a couple of years would have saved you from my depression, you my dear are sadly mistaken.
I have been in the worst downward spiral and I fear this time I won't get out of it.
Everyine keeps telling me I'm tough but I'm not so sure I am. I an human and fragile, I have feeling that are so deep and I have been through some tough times.
From the outside it may seem like I take to people to easy, do I easily love? No I don't. I test and trial and never do I open up willingly about myself personally. Two years, two was enough time to have someone prod and search into my soul and then crush it.
I should have graded myself better, tried harder to not let him get information about me from me. I should have known, maybe I did from the moment he wouldn't let me in. I was suffocating and struggling to get him to let me in that I never noticed his plan to leave.
We talked about marriage and babies. Ready to buy a house together... why? Was this just a sick joke? Does he feel like a better man?

He told me how I held him back and that I was holding myself back, I supported him. Told that boy my happiness came from his. I would have walked to the edge and back and when I did it wasn't in me to even believe he would have been the one to push me off.

I suppose it's true, love is blind. I blinded myself with so much love that I looked beyond his flaws. I started fearing making him upset with me, because he belittled me. I crave his touch... I can't even move on and it's killing me. I'm so selfish I'm killing myself, maybe not right now though in time. If I keep going in this direction I won't even have myself anymore.
Sometimes I feel so great and time isn't an issue.
Sometimes I feel so alone, life has no meaning and there seems to be no point to live.
What am I good at?
What am I going to do?
WHO AM I?

All these questions and no answers.

Why am I so alone?

I want to scream, yell at people, "HELP ME!"
Who wants to help me when I can't even help myself? Do I even want to help myself?
Do I want to work for a future?
Am I ever going to find what I love to do?
I don't have money, I am good at being domestic. I don't want to be a stay at home wife, though it does sound tempting.
I want to write novels but, surprise surprise I suck at that too.
I wanted to be a chef and I let my fear ruin that for me.

I don't lack in passion, my emotions demonstrate that.
Why can't I figure this out? I'm twenty-five with out shit to show for it. He pointed that out. Why do I have to figure it out now?

I just want to die. No children, no money, nothing. I have nothing to give the world.

I feel so stupid for even typing it.

How can I feel so bad for feeling?
I can't even get a break from myself.
My friends always support me, my family as well.
They're words sometimes make me feel good, but they sometimes just feel like lines that they say to shut me up.
I love them they are trying so hard.
I'm trying hard not to depress them.
I moved, I am trying to take him out of my life.
He wants to be friends, says he cares deeply.
He's already moved on... not even two weeks after leaving me.
I hate myself.
It hurts to breath sometimes.
I don't want to sleep because I dream about him and I just relive it all over every day.
Life isn't all about a man.
What do you do when it becomes that way?
I'm no longer comfortable anywhere.
I can still go places.
I'm scared when my phone rings.
Why am I so stupid?

I'm afraid I can never have that ever again and I don't want him to ruin that for me, I'm sure he has though.

I have thought about killing myself, every day actually. I wont, I have fought this part of me before. Its gotten stronger, I don't know how much longer I can talk myself out of it.

I cry so much that I could fill a tub.
I don't want him back even when I crave him.

I wish he could feel this pain, his time will come and I won't be the cause.

How was this so easy for him? I shouldn't have made this easy for him.

Don't tell me god is here. You sound cheesy. I believe in something but I'm not sure what. I had God for a long time but, I just couldn't anymore.

Maybe I'm so pathetic I deserve this, I know I need some work.
Why do I feel like I need so much damn help?
Why am I so needy?
I hate that about me.
I don't care for my looks, I don't mean I hate my looks just that I don't mind looking the way I do.

I don't care for how you look. I will love everyone the same.

I just wish others where the same.

Why do I crave love?

We could have been great. I could have been amazing.

Maybe I should stop wondering what could have been.