So I've Decided

   My life has come to a stop, or I've forced it to stop, either way I really need to look at what I'm doing.  No this one isn't going to be depressing, except the friend I work with seems to have told Aubrey I've lost my job the day before I was supposed to go in for work, I didn't know I was supposed to until today, that was last Thursday so four days ago.  So now I haven't a job I should feel like shit right? No, I don't I kind of feel like I was never there and that now I can look for a job that I feel like I'm doing everything right, not like a stupid kid unable to do anything right.
   So to the "Decided" part of this blog, when I was young I thought that being a house wife was my calling, I know I'm reverting to this point of few considering this weekend I felt like I really wanted to have kids.  Weird as that sounds I really really want kids.  This is awkward for me to put out there, but when I was younger I was suicidal this put me in a more self isolated position now that I look back at it I was really smart for how I stopped being this way.  I used to get out of bad thoughts by thinking my mother loved me and that she would miss me a lot if I where gone, at some point I stopped feeling this way and so I decided to find something else to live for.  This turned out to be the fact that if I where to die I would like to leave something else behind, something of me more than just a book or stories of myself I need a family one of my own.  So before I die I need to have kids and before you think that I'll off myself after popping a few out I have to see my kids have kids.
   Now I'm not the way I was then I see my 90 year old great grandma and think "I want to live just as long possibly longer" I want to live to be very old.  Now back to being a housewife, it might sound stupid when I say that I might not be fit to be doing anything but.  I'm very self-conscious and I can get really low in my self-esteem at times, I think once I have a place of my own with a husband or life partner (must have lots of sex(ha ha some what kidding)). So I figure once I get these two things in order I can and will start having kids.
   I need to find a man who wants to live with me(this includes sleeping), has a job or will get one as soon as possible and, really really wants kids.
   I am on the in-between of 2 kids verses 7 or 10.  No this is no joke I have 7 brothers and a couple of sisters so a big family is comforting but, I am very much on the not liking pain thing.  I don't like needles(I've given blood once and will never do so again) at all I'm squeamish of blood that may come from the eyes, ears and, underneath fingernails.
   So as to end this, I need a man a place to live and, a chance to have children.

Alright Alright

   I'm not going to smoke, I bought a thing of sunflower seeds and I'm good, just so that's clear.  I'm reading and looking at college things every day of my life, a healthy little obsession I'd say, I'm very serious about going to college and very scared.  I question myself way to much when it comes to things I would like to do I'm glad that I mustered up my courage and did this, though I fear I'm going to mess up big time.
   I need a hug Helens going to do one better though she's going to get me drunk tonight. Wish me luck. 

its sad.

   Only if I could punch myself in the face and possibly put my self in a coma, being in a coma wouldn't change much about my current situation(I would be a lot quieter) considering the fact that I don't do anything.  I have currently been feeling the strong self-hate within myself to the extent that I've had images of harming myself to a large extent.  I haven't thought of killing myself that is something I can not even think of.  I think I might need a big thing of ice cream but I'm sure I'd hate myself for eating it.  Nothing seems possible, I don't want to sleep or be awake.  I need to call into work to see if I need to come in, but for the past 3 days about to be 4 I have been putting it off because I'm weak and I don't see the reason why I should.  I'm sure there is a pill I could get on so I could get to level ground with myself though I'm broke with no insurance and that leaves me back at square one. I think I'm going to pick up smoking hard core, I used to smoke and I've bearly been a non-smoker I just feel like I need something.
   I started reading again, I tend to read in the bath so I took a long soak to gather my curage to do what I must for myself then I got out and depression hit me hard so hard I'm shaking to hold back my tears.  Why does this happen to me?  I wish I could get over it for good so I can move on and live my life.
   Alright I went out side for a breather and sang to the moon, because I do that. I feel much better and I'm going to post the song and the lyrics of what I sang.

Lyrics :

I am nothing without pretend 
I know my thoughts
Can't live with them 
I am nothing without a man
I know my thoughts
But I can't hide them

I still keep my baby teeth 
In the bedside table with my jewelry
You still sleep in the bed with me, 
My jewelry, and my baby teeth 

I don't need another friend
When most of them 
I can barely keep up with them
Perfectly able to hold my own hand, 
But I still can't kiss my own neck

I wanted to give you everything 
But I still stand in awe of superficial things
I wanted to love you like my mother's mother's mothers did
Civilian
Civilian

College

   When I was going to CHS I took a trip to any college of my choice so I chose to go with my friend to Kirkwood Community College where I found myself falling in love with the place, it wasn't my intention to want to go here it just happened it turned out to be everything I didn't know I desired. I always knew I wanted to go to a big college and no I don't mean expensive I mean size, someplace where I could find myself in a section I don't belong and just sit and chill.  I have also herd this school is a party school, from many many people. I'm not going for the booze I'm 21 if I really wanted to drink I would.  I really want to apply at Kirkwood the campus is awesome the people look like my type of people, they have Culinary classes so I can be a Baker or a Chef  these are the two things I really want to learn, I know its a two year college though who says you can only go for two when I would like to try for three years.  My first year would be learning to be a Baker then I'll work as a baker while i'm learning to be a chef, sound good to anyone else?! I think so I think this is what I've been looking for to peek my interest to the max and actually fill out what I need so I can attend college.
   My mother happens to tell me one small fact that makes me feel like I shouldn't, I can't drive so therefor I can't go.  Aubrey has also told me this she says I can't go to college if I can't drive though people do it all the time, right?  Well I know a few people in town who go to college with out knowing how to drive, am I incapable of walking?  It appears everyone thinks so.
   Aubrey blames my parents for not teaching me and my parents blame me for not learning on my own so I'm confused, I do most everything on my own for me except live in my own place and sometimes eat my own food.  Am I supposed to do everything myself or are there somethings I should be getting help with?  It seems I'm on my own with college as well as learning to drive!
   Well I'm sick so this isn't going to be too long, I wish I had money to make my icky sickness to go away, I could kill for 5 bags of cough drops.  Ethan my friend was just telling me how he's going to be an online radio DJ for FaTaL Gaming, this kid is a gamer if I ever met one, well I guess he is so I have.  Beyond this though he's a great guy really funny so I think he's going to do well being a DJ online.  We discussed the snow that is currently outside, and how Facebook games will not be talked about even if I'm lame because I don't have a game systems or any PC games, man did I just make myself really sad.  Oh well I think my work is up and running again so I need to stop in and talk to people. I miss Leon who is off and in Spain for a business thing.  I wish he was available to talk to because I miss talking to him, and his accent... well I think thats all I can muster I think I need to go back to sleep so I don't have to be awake while I cough. 

Happy 51st blog.

                 Pretty much on my own with life, though isn’t everyone HA!  I’ve realized tonight that I need something else, not that shit I’ve spouted before I think I need to let some people know they don’t need me anymore and also they have gotten to the point that they need to realize this out side of there denial.  I’m just not ready nor do I have the effort to be a part of a friendship anymore.  I’ve been hit in the face before, but I’ve always had a reaction maybe because I’m not fighting back means I’m done and admit defeat not that I’m a good person  and that’s how I roll.  Pleas except my deepest apologies if I can’t fit myself to you or you can’t fit me in your life unless you have no one else to have you.  I need to think and process what I’m doing, in fact I will not say I’m sorry, I think its time I stop apologizing for everything this is a reason why I feel so down low…

My Halloween Weekend of 2011

                First off I would like to tell you about my weekend where I didn’t go camping with my parents and younger siblings, though my mother said she really wanted me to.  In stead of going with my family I stayed with my Aunt, yes I know she is family too, this is where I made myself a little cash while having fun trick or treating with my Cousins and nieces.

                For starters I went to a costume party for kids, being the big weird child that I am I attempted to dress up as a fairy thing, turns out no other adult dressed up for this event silly me.  I ate my pizza and quietly sat in my own anti-social bubble.  As soon as we where back at my aunts I watched my cuzins, well I played chess with Abby and lost while Alyssa watched “Good Luck Charlie”, then we went to bed early.

                How I woke up crept me out loads, my six year old cousin had snuck into my room and laid in my bed watching me sleep waiting for me to wake up… Oh joy!  Maybe if she was an unrelated 25 year old man with an accent I would possibly enjoy this, but she’s not so it wasn’t at all enjoyable.

                So  I got out of bed and showered, I love showering at my aunts I get my own bathroom and the soap I use is Irish Springs best smell of my life I wish I could live for ever smelling this smell, after my shower I played chess with Abby once again and I one this round.  My aunt then proceeded to get things done for later when the children would be Trick or Treating, so off to Wal-Mart we went where she bought warm cloths her girls could wear under there costumes.  When we got back to her place  the girls and I, heavy on the I, raked the leaves from the back yard and made a big leaf pile in which they jumped in as did I but not like them. I love raking leaves by the way, one of my favorite things to do.  So later on I get to my Great Grandmother Karina’s home where my two cousins dressed as Tinkerbell and Wonder woman start playing with games.  My Grandma Nancy had bought new items to hoard; this beautiful woman has almost anything I need when I want to work with crafts, she had bought a pair of wooden tongs used to take cloths out of hot water along time ago so that was my toy for the night.  My aunt and grandma went to pick up my brother and his children so I was left with to girls, my uncle and, my great grandma.

 My younger cousin brought out some miniature plastic farm animals that g-grandma was helping her set up though they kept falling over, of course there to far a way from to help pick up and it just so happened that the one closest to me fell over and I still couldn’t reach it.  I’m so lazy I didn’t want to stand up to pick it up.  At this point in time I thought of something that was the greatest idea I had ever thought of, I grabbed the wooden tongs and grabbed at it at this moment I happened to look up at my almost 90 year old grandma who happened to think this was the most terrible thing in the world and let me know with the look of death she gave me.  I love this person with all of my heart she is the first and only person I’ve met that has ever told me how she felt.  I’m sure if she really wanted to put in the effort she would tell me I was stupid and mean it. I love her she is my favorite woman in the world.

I followed my nieces and cousins while they trick or treated and well all scared the oldest of the children, she proceeded to cry when the houses got to scary.  My oldest niece was tinkerbell and my youngest was a witch, so they where both the cutest damn things even thought one of my cousins was a tinkerbell too.  I really loved it when the 2 year old yelled “PUMPKIN” though she didn’t say it right it was still really cute.

Later on when we got back from our cold nights walk we got hot coco with marshmellows, oh the joys of feeling like alittle kid, Paige(The mother of my nieces) and I sat together at the table away from the rest of my family when she proceeded to talk about how shes put her mouth on two of my brothers then she corrected her self and said how she never went down on my brother Nathan but only kissed him.  I looked at her and shrugged saying how we have kissed she laughed then proceeded to tell my brother.  My aunt walked over to us after my brother left so we talked about candy, I happened to mention I loved gushers because I love biting into something and it having something else inside it, Paige gave me a look of “Oh baby” and my aunt looked a little like she with struggling with the thought of what I said.  I guess me liking gushers implies a few things.  

Marlee and Averee my nieces stayed at my aunts that night, I ended up with two crying girls in my bed that had a hard time falling asleep.  Averee the youngest fell asleep first Marlee kept on crying saying how she was scared and needed her mommy, it broke my heart when she sniffled and turned to me to say “I’m not scared anymore Aunt Nina” though I was glad that it meant that she was going to fall asleep.  I woke up many times that night, now the way I had to sleep messed with my back it hurts and it hurts to breath at times.

So today was a day where I didn’t do much but I did come home and now I’m blogging, I guess I’m done now I hope you enjoyed!

Kudos To Beethoven

  I would most definitely kill myself if I went deaf, I love to hear hearing is my love source.  I think what brought this on was my want to listen to Beethovens Symphony 2 I don't know what movement I like most because its all good and makes me smile, I don't usually listen to classical music I happened to stumble into Beethoven do to a Korean drama Oddly about a deaf person.  This got me on the rolling ball called "I would sell my soul so I could hear again if I was deaf."
   I know I'm weak and this may be offensive to some but I can't help the fact that I feel this way I love sound to much to live with out it.  I cold live if I were blind, wouldn't like it I just wouldn't kill myself considering well I can't think of anything to make being blind sound good, does this make me a terrible person?  God I hope not. I could live with not being able to talk, I always wanted to learn sign language.
   I met a deaf girl when we where both little and it shocked me that she couldn't hear me, granted I was like five or six years old so everything was like wow to me, but I was at this birthday party they told me this little girl couldn't hear so I thought that they where lying to me so I did a test... several really.  We where sitting int he bed of a truck and she was drawing so I guess we where making plans to do something, I don't know what, I got bored because sitting in the same place for a long time gets boring for a little kid.  I stood up and she didn't even notice I was perplexed so I picked up the closet thing and it happened to be a penny and I threw it at the truck making a loud noise, I instantly thought I could escape unnoticed this was the coolest thing in the world to me at the time because I could be sneaky like a ninja.  I realize now that this was mean I think it was the meanest thing I did as a kid, any ways she noticed I wasn't there really quick and found me she was a smart girl because we sat in the back of the truck and held my arm pretty tight until she was done drawling.  I'm sure that if I got to see this girl more often as a child I would have been her friend.
   I wish I had perfect hearing, but I don't think I do considering in the fact that in the sixth grade a jerk smacked me when I stood up for my self in the middle of Woods class (I hate working with machines I would rather do everything by hand, just saying).   He hit me in the right spot I guess suction cupping my ear, this maid my eardrum pop I got really dizzy and tired making my head hurt for the rest of my day, I thought it was just a slap so I ignored it.  I proceeded to take a bath and as soon as the water got in my ear my head exploded in a sharp pain so I told my mom.  Sometimes I wonder if I should tell my mom when I have heath problems she tends to think that she's a doctor so she can fix everything.  My sister just went to the doctors for swimmers ear so my mother thought I had that and took it upon her self to tell me so, I lay'd down on the love seat we had at the time and proceeded to let my mother put this medication that has Alcohol in it in my ear.  Now have you ever put alcohol on a scrap or anything?  It hurts right, now imagine that pain times 20 in your head.  This is the most painful thing I'd gone threw in my life.
   As a result I went to school the next day and went to the nurse she looked at my ear and got overly dramatic freaked because she wasn't school enough to take care of this and then asked how this happened in the end I look threw pictures and he ended up suspended for quite some time, though when I saw him again i was nice until he was a dick them I smacked him really hard in the face, I never saw him again after that.
   These are the thoughts that have been going threw my head in the last three hours I've been awake for.  Also I would like to add a link to Hyperbole in a Half's new post that perfectly describes my latest state of self called "Adventures in Depression" Allie knows whats up, it has pictures!

My Advice That Surprised Even Me

                You all know how I have the tendency to cry for someone else because I empathize way to much.  Well I was talking to my friend who I will leave nameless for now, because I’m not so sure he’s ok with me doing this.  I just want to say I hate giving advice because sometimes people don’t like hearing some things or maybe I just give bad advice.   I’m going to post up a conversation I had with a friend, but only part of it.

This is short and I’ve taken out names, don’t laugh at my profile picture or our errors. It happens people!!!

02:10

hey

Hey. Whatsa' happinen'?

Not much, just woke up lmao, you? whats new?

Not much. My heart is so much pain. My knees knock together and tears burn in my chest, just waiting to overflow.

What of yourdelf?How are you? SLeepy?

I am so streesed that i can't even spell right.

Wait whats wrong? I'm fine. Whats going on?

I am losing one ofthe greatest men that I have had the honor of knowing. God, I miss him so. I am at a loss. i dont know what i amto do to keep him. i hurt. bad. i am hurtin for certain. i have not cried one time since i was sixteen, but i just want to let go, but i refuse to give in to weaknes.

How are you losing him? I hope this isn't a rude question to ask

It is not rude. It is silly, really. His love said that I told her that I said Jordan would cheat on her with one of his old friends, though I said no such thing. I have not seen, nor heard from (blocked) for a near five months now, nor his love. So how I could have said this is just not logical. I despise logic, I hate logic, I believe in imagination. BUt, this, is just not sensible. If I lose him, I really think that I will lose it, very, very soon. I have known (Blocked) for five years. I am not meant to understand, but damn it. I do not know what to do.

well In my short life I have grown to know one thing for certain. At any point in my life where something went wrong between my friends and I because of a middle person its because you've been to distant the space between you has been enough for someone to wedge in. This little wedge that may mean everything now will be nothing once you are face to face. something about that distance will seem like nothing has really changed. If you guys are great friends it will mend on its own because oddly thats how these things work. Did she show him proof of this said "conversation"?

if there isn't proof than he isn't so sure she is telling the truth so as much as she is putting doubts into his head he still has doubts about what she is saying

                This is all I will share because what came next brought me to tears, and If he ever reads this I would like him to know it wasn’t his past actions it was his current feelings.  I care for this friend because I haven’t very many and every one I get I feel I must be cautious with for my own fear of loss.  I really hope that things go well for him and his friend will realize that sometimes what you’ve been threw with someone and all those great happy moments will never go away and yes sometimes you think that something is so bad that you feel what your doing to justify it seems right, it very well may not be so.  I also hope that my friend needs to see that there are plenty more people out in the world and he can make more friends, I understand that when your growing up or the things you’ve done those people who where with you threw all of that are the best you’ll get I just think that this world is so big you can’t keep everything.  In this life you are supposed to lose a lot of things so you have to learn to continue and also learn to look around and view other things to see what or who you would want to cope with.

                I’m not saying its something easy to do, but its something better than not doing anything for you at all.   This has left me to be very sad; I hope my Asian Dramas will put me in a better mood. 

Please Be Fiction.

I feel it; my whole body shake in anger like my soul is fighting my body to escape.  Just like when my mind fights my morals, it says “Hit him, fight them do it because if you don’t they will kill you.” What do I listen to my brain or my morals? Whets right and wrong anymore, everyone wants to cram negative shit at me like I’m a threat to there lives.  What did I ever do to deserve to be put in situations where I fight myself to the point of tears I feel like Ella in “Ella enchanted” where at the end the prince is demanding her to tell him she loves him while her step sister is demanding her not to and its all she can do not to do either to the point that she almost bites off her tongue.  I hate my self for being so weak that I can’t fight , but I’m to proud to run away so I just end up standing there shaking in anger like a god is going to take control and make my decision for me.  What does one do when they feel like the only thing that keeps them human is to care, but there human instincts tell them its fight or flight?  Why I can’t do either?  I can sit here fighting myself on how I should harden my soul and stop caring so I can just get things done and move on, thought I know that if I do that I will hate myself even more.   I fear I will lose myself completely and there will no longer be any hope for my soul.

                Now do I even believe in souls, I am not even sure myself the concept seems so far fetched in scientific terms, but considering I live in a land of fantasy because I can’t really stand reality.  This truth is sad that I can’t even fend for myself that I rely to much on everything that isn’t me and at the same time I get angry at what which keeps me alive because of my resentment for the fact that it gave me life and keeps me alive.  Did I do something wrong in a past life, did I even have a past life, did I deserve this one?  All viable questions, who is going to answer any of them better yet who would care to. 

                What am I doing with my self and why can’t I feel like I can do anything?

                Give me one good reason why.  No one has a good reason, what kind of reason am I even looking for.  What is going to make me happy, how would you know if I don’t even know?  What else is there to offer someone who wants nothing because they feel that its necessary to give in and give up.

Favorite lyrics from ”Gregory and the Hawk”:

“I swear I’m going to cry, I’m sick of trying to be tough.”- this ones my life story

“Step one- light me on fire, Step two- walk clean away.  I wont burn long and evidence of your done wrong will be gone in seconds I swear, but if you got time anyways why not watch me hurt?  Nothing is sweeter than needed revenge, oh that’s right I did nothing and you where the mean one. ”- Why not, I ask you.

“And all I think of now is a way to get under and a way to get out.”- Only when I’m at my worst

                I think this is all I can muster right now, lets try again later.

Oh As The Day's Go By.

   I actually wen't out to day and let my friend cut my hair, though my mother told me she didn't see a difference then walked away from me.  Great for my self confidence right even so I'm doing great today for having gotten out of the house and hanging with people I'm not so sure I'm compatible with, well one person in particular.  I think today I'll finish cleaning my room hopefully before Anthonee destroys it again, like he tries to destroy my hope.  Why does everyone tend to tell me the low side of everything that makes me happy. I tend to think second thoughts because Aubrey calls me stupid and tells me my plans aren't enough.
   Well I'll get to the point, I care just let me put that out there so you know that I care, Aubrey told me today that internet boys are all full of shit and there is no reason for me to trust any of them also Anthonee told me my internet boy just wants to see my tits.  Now having heard this I say so what Maybe I like showing my tits, I don't not really, that having been said Anthonee also gave me another piece of advice. "Korina, don't trust guys on the internet if you think there's something there that's all just in your head, hes probably out fucking other girls every night," I can't help but laugh not because it doesn't bother me of course this would, but what am I supposed to say "Sorry internet dude I wont ever let you see my tits ever again and you will never get to touch this snatch if you touch that bitches VAGINA!".  This would mean nothing, this be extremely ineffective.  (I don't expect anyone to be able to not have sex, well unless your me because I don't really have sex... unless I'm alone...)
    Now here comes full blast Nina, I'm not getting sex any ways so there's no problem on my part even if someone did want to sex me up I'm not going to because I guess I'm fucking weird.  Now if it does not work out with any internet man of course I'll be sad, in this case extremely because I happen to like this man a lot *cough, cough* (He happens to read this blog and I hate confrontation so I'm not saying anything else considering I am now on edge and I hate HATE sharing my feelings.  Please don't make me go to far out side my comfort zone.), so I would force my self to get over myself and fight my mind.  Alright so now we are in my mind you will feel the weirdness in my mind after a break up I have three thoughts I must fight myself threw before I except another man into my life;

  1) I should for ever give up on men and be with women:
             A)They kiss better
              B)They are easier for me to understand... sometimes.
               C) When it comes to sex they D-E-F-I-N-I-T-E-L-Y know what they are doing.
    2) I should become a nun:
              A) I know my religion
               B) I would never bee hurt by a man again
                C) I can be a baker and feed Poor people!
      3) I could be A HUGE slut:
               A)I would get better at sex
                 B) I would get sex more often
                   C) I would meet a lot of new people.
Now that you know what I think I'll give you the only reasons why I say I can't do these things

   1) I don't like vag.
    2)I could never live with out sex
     3)I don't see anything wrong with this...
        Just kidding I would never be able to have sex with someone I couldn't ever possibly see a future with because if the next morning they say "Sorry I don't think this will work"  I'll think 'Damn and I was really looking forward to bumping up the amount of sex I would get for the next 7-13 months guess every time I have sex its gonna hurt', maybe that was a little to much information.
   Considering now you understand me a little bit more considering I indulged on letting a little more of myself out this time, I feel sad that I'm going to post this it feels like I'm afraid of losing some people if they read all of this.  I think I'm a big girl and I told myself that I would do this and not care, but I am a girl so thats definitely not ever going to happen.  I guess this is like sex I'm putting a peace of me out there not really expecting anything in return.

Again My Mind Gets The Best Of Me

  It all started when i decided to talk with Helen and Aubrey at the same time. Helen is having a Halloween party and I'm not sure I want to go because I'm feeling very anti-social these days though I still want to go because they are my friends and it seems I don't talk with them much.  I talk with Aubs because I feel I can tell her everything even if I know she will tell Helen and Alissa it is ok because at least I know she's listening.
   Helens angry at me for not hanging out with her, I talk to her thats how this works I'm supposed to be the one relied on constantly I'm the one that talks first there seems to be no need to let me know and feel the lest bit wanted. I'm wondering how Helens going to get her beverages I'm just now realizing that I'm the only one old enough to by booze... me needing to go to the party now makes more sense.
   Aubrey and I where discussing the "Apartment" she said "Its all started when she got that App." I told her I'm not even sure Helen really considered me.  I also told her about how once when I hung out with Helen she had Alissa with her and they where already on the discussion of the apartment.  Just so you know I'm now over the whole I'm not living there thing I don't really care I just am way to paranoid to the point of maybe over thinking and telling Aubrey something I guess should never have come out of my mouth... of fingers considering I typed it.
   I told Aubrey that I think Alissa's manipulating Helen like I feel that Dalton did with Mike, even though I have no proof of that and I feel terrible thinking anything like this alright it hurts to think it at all. I told Aubrey that I don't really want to be in that situation again and that if it happens again I wont be able to handle it. I'm not so sure this was smart of me because I'm sure now I'm going to get an intervention and I don't think I want to be in that kind of situation with a group of people I hate my own feelings so its hard for me to talk about them with specific people, hence why I get all awkward. I'm ok with this because no one really reads it so there for I don't get confronted I think some day someone important in my life will read all of this and this will most likely bite me in the ass.  Until then I'm sure this will all be my little secret.

I Found It!!!

My shake weight I found it! Good Bye arm fat you will leave once I find my DvD on how to use this beastly object!!! I love its bright green color it makes me smile I really want to use it now it would make me oh so happy to lose this icky arm fat!!!! My mother told me she didn't know where it was but my younger brother told me it was under her bed! NOW I shall proceed using my shake weight to lose icky things!!! I can't wait to be all pretty and such!!!

Only A Little Defeated.

   Well I think I'm done, I think I'm going to have to buy myself a tent and just leave life for a while. I need to do something with my life I'm so sick of doing the same shit over and over I'm not even doing anything.  I need something and this isn't it.  If I do this I'm not going to have a phone or any way of contact because I don't want to be reached. I think I'll do this when its warm out when I'm able to bring more things with me. I'm going to find a nice wooded area and stay there, of course I'm afraid of animals and serial killers/hobos.
   I think just trying to make life work when I have absolutely nothing will make me feel better when I come back to a life where I have everything.  I feel so spoiled like I have to much and that I'm getting way to greedy. Its not even been a week sense I've been to Florida, I haven't really been talked to by my friends and it seems I'm back to my rutine where I say at home doing absolutely nothing.  I really just want to jab a needle into my eyebrow again and have piercings all over my ears I want to die my hair green.  I think I will do all of this and run into a forest and forget life out side of my circle of trees doesn't exist.
   I will build fires and I don't know train myself to be a ninja, something different from all of my self suffocation.
Well I thought I would just let you know how I feel and to share my inner ambition.  I think I'm going to suffer a Ulcer before I die of a Cerebral Aneurysm.  Thank you for tuning in on my random bull shit.

Well Now What?

   My niece nuked my mobile phone, I cried a little only to show her how it made me feel that she did that. I'm not sure how to feel about this, I think this is my opportunity to buy a new phone in fact an Android for Straight-talk.  I'm listening to my brother bitch at Paige telling her to shut up telling me to shut up, he hasn't grown up at all.  He may have learned new things, but it seems he hasn't tried to put any of it into his life and try.  I Omegle'd with Paige and lucky her that I stopped on this really cute guy with an amazing smile... here is the odd part, he's from the UK... Yorkshire. It seems to me that this is a point one for the fates.  I now have some one to come with me to the UK when ever I earn the money to. I will be visting Leon because he makes me smile I really want to hug him, maybe a little more.  Paige has defiantly found a man with a heart, he's the complete opposite of my brother.  List of odd things in life; I now don't have a phone, currently dreaming of leaving this death trap of a home, feeling sad that my brother hasn't done more to better himself, saddly I feel that life is actually good for right now. I do need a massive cuddle and a huge cry because I'm tired and I don't have a phone... shit what am I going to do about work...

I Know I'm Good When...

   I'm READING! Yes I said reading. I'm reading again and this pleases me most it means I'm no longer in a funk!  Oh and Its a good read Sankarea its a manga of course plus its a Zombie story and Ecchi(not henti though it does show nudity!) a little.  This manga is so Moe and I love it its like my insides have warmed up and made me smile bunches! Not only does this manga remind me of Zombie Loan, which I happen to love though its not ecchi, trust me I read a lot of mangas and I know whats good.
   If your a romantic manga is the key to your life source it will fill you with an abundance of love and dare I say it sexual appeal.  Manga is the boot of all cuteness and I happen to be obsessive over cute things as well as green things, if they are shiny I happen tho love them even more.
   I also feel so happy when I listen to music it also makes me feel like the bad ass that I am not, I'm not naughty  any where other than in my head. I wish sometimes I could be what I think I am in my head, oh the things I would do *Evil smile here*, but I am completely fine with who I am in real life sometimes.  Any ways I love music this is the song that makes me feel bad ass when I'm not.

   So there you have it, this is a good night for me if I'm packed on reading and listening to good tunes, I think I'll stay up all night reading just like school days. I miss those days I would stay up reading anything from manga on the internet to novels in my bed, I would stay up until 3 in the morning then go to school and read in class. Oh I miss language arts those are my favorite classes.  I wish I could get my sewing matchine working so I could occupy my time with more creative things.  I think I need to get back to reading, click on any of the manga names they are linked to hook you into manga. Enjoy!

   Here are some more manga's for your enjoyment:

Love Monster (Ecchi)

Unbalance X Unbalance (Ecchi)

Honey X Honey Drops (Ecchi)

Nana (Romantic/ My favorite)

Shibariya Komachi (SyFi)

Fruits Basket (Fantasy romance!)

A Question.

   Some one on myyearbook decided to ask if I've ever thought of having kids with my current boyfriend.  I was at a loss for words so answered the only way I could think of, with a question.  Now I've been constantly thinking about this question and I've really thought about it.  I've never really imagined having kids with anyone, I have always thought about having kids but I've never thought of myself with another person while I have kids. Its not that I don't want to be with anyone while I have them I've just grown up around women who usually where single mothers. My aunt I think is the only woman I know that has been married once still is and has kids with her husband.  I have thought once with my first boyfriend about kids with him mostly because every time we had sex he would go on and on about how he would take care of me if I got pregnant.  I appreciated the thought very kind it just freaked me out a bit considering I was living with my parents and was still in high school, I didn't want kids just then.
   I am now in complex thought because I've realized if I have kids I wont have to be alone and think of ways I could afford raising the quadruplets I'd have with an unkown man I'd slept with (FWI: Nina hasn't slept with any one she didn't know first.).  So now that I have gotten this across to you I've also now put into consideration other thoughts because obviously the situation deals with financial issues it also deals with the questions "What are my partners morals?" I'm not greatly into religion so this one doesn't really bother me as long as I'm not teaching my kids to kill and eat the other kids in town. There are other questions like "What is my partner like with kids?" I know that I'm not perfect with kids and they tend to annoy me these days because there isn't a day where I'm not around children I think this also has a factor in why I practice safe sex... sometimes.
   On this note I don't want kids until I'm in a stable environment and I'm damn sure that even if it doesn't work out between me and the man I'm with I can still take care of my own on my own.  I like to be safe maybe that's my flaw because I tend to over think sometimes and I forget that life is random so I should just sit back to relax.  Another thing is that I really am big with family, I know I don't have a perfect relationship with my dad and I tend to for get he exists but I'm very over protective of my kin and I'm sure if I ever have kids I will be ultra mommy.
   So in answer to this persons question, No I had not thought about it really until you asked and now I'm always thinking about it.  Sometimes I get scared of my thoughts and this one I'm in way to open a space with nothing solid to hold me down so let me please just lock it in my head for a bit and when I can build a bridge for solid ground in this place I'll figure out if I can stand in it on my own. Thank you.

I Know I'm Way To Drunk When...

   I know I'm way to drunk when the wrong song comes on and Leon says good bye and I cry, I'm way to drunk right now, so many sad songs when the fuck did I put this play list together, cuz its a terrible drunk one I'm crying way to much now. Five second face change... not good for Nina... no no. I'm not 12 or 15 any more, life is different from the past, I hate life sometimes lmao. I think I need to find something else to do I think a restroom break and cheerios are a plan I need right now lmao. I'll blogg later when I clean up my face.

On My Way To Florida

    So as you all know I wen't on a trip to Florida with my friends, it was a free trip except for me paying for my own food.  The Driver and his van was the scariest shit I've ever experienced and well I imagine that the way he drove was similar to a roller coaster which I have never been on one.  I was so glad when I hit Georgia because I've always wanted to visit to bad we didn't stop to view the place, that would have been epic to my mind but heres a photo. Thats Mason, Helens boyfriend who happened to sleep threw most of the trip unlike Steven who slept all the way to Florida and didn't have enough drugs to keep himself asleep on the way home.

   After a long ass ride we hit palm trees and I'm so tired and I look like complete shit I'm ashamed of this photo but its the only one with me and one of these tree in which I've never seen, that does not count fake ones.

   We got to Florida in a storm and still managed to see the Ocean and swim in it. I forgot my brothers headphones where in my pocket and I happened to kill them in the ocean, I will never tell him of this occurrence because he will kill me.  This is Helen and Mason The couple that joined the national guard together, Mason is in infantry and Helen is in Water purification. I'm on the floor tired oh so tired after swimming and finding shells that I'm probably sleeping while taking these pictures.

  Alissa, she's wet and tired from our journey to find a convince store to by soda, we walked a whole two blocks probably before getting soaked by the intense rain, we get back and we find a soda machine at the motel... those sneaky bastards.

   Helen and mason being a little retarded and overly happy that the sun is shining so we could finally see the ocean with out a killer storm trying to kill us, though by the time we got to the ocean that seemed for ever later it rained worse than the night before. This did not stop us and the locals called us crazy for renting bogey boards and going out into the ocean.

    After being crazy in the rain and Ocean we decided to get a real hotel on the beach. I took this picture for my mother who was worried sick about me, she wouldn't even drink the wine cooler I gave her before I left.   This is jut a little bit of what life was like in the storm the waves where awesome I really loved when the ocean pushed me out then the waves dragged me back to shore.

This is us cozying around the TV, Mason is standing Helen is sitting next to him, Alissa is laying down watching Billy(Her boyfriend) sleep and, Lewis is playing on his laptop. Where is Steven you might ask, Drunk and what ever else in the next room passed out.  He has a wonderful soul...

 The next day the sun was out and EVERYTHING was beautiful, we had to go home though before we left we decided that we needed to experience the ocean on its good day. So we walked out side and just walked in the Ocean.

   On our way to a Dog friendly beach because Helen brought her puppy Bobo who happens to be very well behaved for a puppy so young.
    This is my favorite picture.

   This poor crab did not live long after we got there, Steven smashed it with a rock. Steven gave his child like smile as though he did nothing wrong and walked away RIP to the cute little crab that was nothing but scared, I'm glad I got a picture may he be remembered.

   All I can say is "damn Alissa look at dat ass mmhhmmm baby!" Oh and that Bobo is so cute!!! 

    This is my prize shell I will keep it forever because I love it!

Well threw out this whole trip the people I missed most where Aubrey who texted me the whole time telling me she hated me(she had work I would have loved if she came!), My mother who texted me worried I might not make it home and, Leon I missed his face very much even though I emailed him threw Gmail the whole time I was gone from my mobile phone of course. I'm so glad I had my mobile phone or I would have gone insane do to the fact that I was the only one with out a designated partner, no that does not mean Steven and Lewis where together like sexually it mean that they where friends. Every one was coupled off so I didn't have much talk time with the others. I did at some point wish the ocean had taken me and drowned me, don't ask me why but I think I may be more depressed than I thought, I'm a scaredy-cat so anytime I felt the current was to much I swam closer to the shore and told my friends they where going to die, they did not listen to me at all and they survived which goes to show I over react sometimes to scary things.  This concludes my Fantastic trip to Florida!!!

So, Where Have I Been?

I was on a road trip, I'm tired and I don't really want to write about it much.  Tomorrow when I'm able to put up some pictures from my mobile phone I will write not a lot, but a lot. 

Ok, Wait A Road Trip?

  So I've only been on one road trip that sucked and I didn't really get to do anything. I think I'm going to cry because Helen just told me to be excited I get to see the ocean.  I feel so happy right now I guess this is what people feel like when they get married and cry a lot, so I'm going to marry life and fucking live it!
   My mother will worry thats ok because I'm going to see the ocean. tears so many tears. I get to do something with my life!!! I'm going some where!!! this is a shitty blog job and thats ok because I'm going to Florida!!!!

YES!

   Alright I'll tell you about the rest of my day, I got to go with Helen and Alissa which was awesome because Brandi joined in and I haven't seen her in months! Helen brought Bobo and Brandi brought Coco(Not a puppy a big dog.).  Now I'm not the biggest fan of dogs, but for a little while I can stand them.  This dog was ok except for when I threw a stick into the river for her to catch she full force ran at me and like kicked off from my ankle to propel herself into the water, my ankle still hurts not much, but it stings when I touch it or it brushes up against something.  The water was freezing and I have no clue how Helen could stand it, I dislike cold unless it means that I can cuddle with someone I like lots so I can be warm though that doesn't happen often or at all.
   I found clams that where cute and still connected so I cleaned them and kept them, they are now sitting in front of me all cute and shiny!  As a children my friends where taken out on the river,  as a child I was warned that if I ever went out into it I would drowned! There for when I go out there and i see these shells I think 'OH I FOUND CUTE THINGS!' when I say such my friends say "Your fucking weird they're just shells." I guess I see the beauty of things they cease to see.
   I helped Paige keep her phone on tonight she'll be paying me back on the first, the point to this is I showed my nieces a cute little mini-clam thing that was still attached and I split it in half for the both of them.  Paige and Anthonee thought it was necessary to tell me the same story when they both know I've just heard it from the other person.  Marlee(the oldest daughter) was on top of her daddy's shoulders but he wanted to smoke so he told her she needed to get down so she, and this is cute, told him "Just don't smoke daddy.".  I thought 'You are the cutest thing.' She looked at me from up on his shoulders and said "I missed you," I thought aw and said "I missed you too," she smiled and said "Don't go anywhere," and it nearly broke my heart to tell her my friends where waiting and I needed to go.  I kissed my nieces good bye and was taken home.
   Once I was home I found the door locked and I nearly had a panic attack because I had to pee really bad, but I couldn't find my keys.  My mother wasn't answering her phone so I dumped my purse out and thank god the keys where there because I was ready to piss out in the bushes if worse came to having to stay out side in the dark with slender man.  Hopefully he doesn't come about, I was out in the woods to get to the river and he didn't get me so I feel a little safer.
   I'm on my facebook and I notice Scott Cohen's page had posted something. For those of you who don't know I'm obsessive with fantasy, I wish a faerie Elvin man would walk out of the forest and take me away.  When I was a kid my dad liked to not take care of us kids so he would put on a movie or a game and that's how I spent my weekends when we were supposed to be "Bonding".  One time they put in this new video they bought called "The 10th Kingdom" which happens to be my favorite thing to watch of all times, its sad though because I can't sit 7 hours to watch the damn thing like I did as a kid do to ADHD.  Well back to my main topic of this whole post, I have not heard a thing from this page until today almost 3 hours ago Scott Cohen actually became Admin to his fan page on Facebook, let me tell you I screamed out of pure joy, thank goddess I was alone.  This man, there is no words to describe how much everything about him pleases me his face is oh so beautiful and when he played Wolf in The 10th Kingdom oh man I love Wolf, just as much as I love Gerard Butler as the Phantom in The Phantom of the Opera. I'm a very pleased woman tonight. My family is home now and they bought the new Transformers movie because my little brothers cried and bitched all night.  Alright sometimes that worked as a kid for me other times I got spanked I have never once seen my brother spanked, what happened to my parents?
   I think this is all I have to offer right now, nothing can beat my mood I think I'll message Scott and if I'm lucky he will message back making me die of complete enjoyment!

Am I Enabled?

   I wen't to get my check today, but before I did my mother asked me if I was going to be home soon so I can watch the kids quick and of course I said yes like I always do.  I feel rushed to cash my check so I can be home for my mother I ended up having fun on the way back home and forgot the very reason I was hurrying home so I post my Facebook status as "I really want to go do something now." my friend Helen comments with "come walk and swim with me and Bobo."(Bobo is her new puppy.). So she and I repeatedly text one another for a few minutes making plans when I realize I'm supposed to watch the kids maybe my mother forgot so I decided to reminded her. She tells me she doesn't know when she will be going, now I'm sitting here wondering why she needed me to hurry, I text Helen and let her know the disappointing news.  I think she'll be fine considering she was looking for someone to go with and in the last second of me remembering this her best friend that she lives with decides to go along.
   I really hope she doesn't think I'm ditching out on her because I'm not I'm just sucked into what my mother wants out of my life (any one else find it odd that Alissa jumped in last second like if she didn't go life with Helen would change? maybe I'm just paranoid.). like when I go to bed at four in the morning and my mother wakes me up at six in the morning so I can watch the kids, I've gotten to the point that I feel like I have no choice. When did this become my routine?  As much as I love my mother and I want to help out I feel like I'm being used.  Of course I find it fair trade if I'm going to be on her computer as much as I am, though she does tell me I'm on it to much and I agree I am even though I have a job I feel that I don't really have.
   I'm begging life for a change I would like to make a move for a change, but I don't know how I don't know what kind of change I'm to make. Where am I going with this, I think a circular motion where I find my self back at the beginning.  I'm always in the beginning, my mother just told me that I can do what I want and she doesn't need me now. I'm sure by now I've missed my chance to be a swamp princess. I feel sad now, I hate my instant change in emotion I feel so useless like I'm incapable of doing anything for anyone not even myself.
   I think its time to find something fun to do.  Oh wait I'm in Clinton, Iowa dumb me momentarily I forgot! No I didn't how can you forget this place, I'm sure its easy or necessary to forget.
   I decided better late then never and texted Helen lets hope life isn't going to shit on me today *smiles*

Worst Time for Everything, Well Not Everything.

   So I think this morning was beautiful and I wouldn't change somethings for the world. So my brother has the worst timing in the world if he didn't then I wouldn't have been down stairs and I wouldn't be watching Entry #1-50 of some slender man videos that now have me freaking out and crying because I can't stand windows or scary things... I'm a wuss and I wish I had someone to watch this with because I'm not as scared when some one is here. considering I'm all alone I'm terrified if I hadn't of just gone to the bathroom I would be on the verge of pissing myself because I would be to scared to go pee alone.
   I'm now crying again because I was linking the slender man name and I happened to look at the pictures so I'm really really scared. I'm such a sissy. I need a hug or a lolly pop and some power rangers, yeah that's what I need is Tommy the green ranger! He'll save me! I felt a little better there before I remembered we have big windows! oh god the tears how can I run in hide if I can't see anything! I think I'm done with this I'm never going to do this again tonight is the only night and I will finish all these videos and be done with it!!!

So Disappointed In Myself!

   I really should have thought of more things to do in my two days with out internet I feel very pathetic.  I decided that I would clean my room today, I came down stairs and the internet is on. What did I do I went back to cleaning my room. I'm bringing down garbage I didn't even knew I had, I seemed to let my room get really bad, my mother stops me and asks if I can watch kids so what am I doing now watching kids I seem to have no hold on my anger today I'm fed up with everything the kids are getting on my nerves so I just make sure I don't have much to do with them unless they are doing something truly naughty.
   Paige is here eating her parfait from the Kwick Star(a convenient store or as some prefer general store.) we are just sitting here in silence or debating on if the spell check is correct on the computer.. dumb us it was.  I think this is all I can handle for today, we'll see how I feel tomorrow.

Day Two With Out Internet

                Alright so Day two of not having internet, I took the bus to Aubrey’s and used her laptop and internet to talk to Leon though I didn’t get to see his face like I hoped messages are good enough until I find a way to video chat with him by my own means.  I did Aubrey’s hair for her college thing I didn’t need to go to but I went anyways and I think I feel left out because I’m not really going with them and they’re already going away at the same time they’ll still be here.  I feel left out maybe abandoned I don’t know, but I feel messed up and its making me really depressed.  Am I losing the friends I finally got to have?  Did I ever even fit in with them?

                I really need to sort out my priorities and figure out what the fuck I’m doing with myself.  How am I going to do anything with my self if I don’t know what I want, like I know I want to work with food I really do.  I also would like to write novels and feel like I’m accomplishing things that are going to go into the world and not disappear for a very long time.  Again I feel like I need someone to save me I can’t help but feel that I’m falling into myself.

                I should have just stayed home and mopped about or cleaned my room because I didn’t realize I was setting myself up for something so depressing. I think that’s why I hide on the internet I don’t want to realize what’s going on with life I just want it to pass me by so I never have to see it .  Why does change hurt so much, when I try and grab on to something it rips away from me so fast that it makes my head spin.  Does life have something planned out for me or am I just an accident with nothing to hold on to nothing to work for.

                As a kid I thought being a house wife wouldn’t be perfect for me, you know sit at home read and clean not do anything.  See now that I want to do things, but what? Who in the hell opened my closed mind into something so confusing something that I feel that I will never find an answer.

                I’m so depressing! I very much dislike this about me, my mother tells me to blame genetics. What am I going to do break out in songs from “Repo the Genetic Opera”?  Sorry I didn’t know life was like that let me just get to it!  NOPE, guess I won’t.  I don’t think I would mind doing that, breaking out in song, but I’m pretty sure my signing would bother everyone else I’m sure I sound like a dying cat.

                I think I’m getting into a better mood because I no longer feel like crying and giving today up to sleep unto a shit tomorrow.  I really like putting things out on the internet, nobody has to read this of course you can though I just like the feeling that I have something I can pour all my hate into.  I wish I had a wheel for ceramics because I would make the shit out of clay, I’d most likely stop typing because I would get all this anger out of me and into the clay, but OH WELL!  Its not like anyone really is all that interested in me.

                Let’s get our hopes High for tomorrow just to be disappointed in me again.  I’m going to listen to “Inner party system” and sleep maybe I’ll cry, yeah that sounds like a plan.