Please Be Fiction.

I feel it; my whole body shake in anger like my soul is fighting my body to escape.  Just like when my mind fights my morals, it says “Hit him, fight them do it because if you don’t they will kill you.” What do I listen to my brain or my morals? Whets right and wrong anymore, everyone wants to cram negative shit at me like I’m a threat to there lives.  What did I ever do to deserve to be put in situations where I fight myself to the point of tears I feel like Ella in “Ella enchanted” where at the end the prince is demanding her to tell him she loves him while her step sister is demanding her not to and its all she can do not to do either to the point that she almost bites off her tongue.  I hate my self for being so weak that I can’t fight , but I’m to proud to run away so I just end up standing there shaking in anger like a god is going to take control and make my decision for me.  What does one do when they feel like the only thing that keeps them human is to care, but there human instincts tell them its fight or flight?  Why I can’t do either?  I can sit here fighting myself on how I should harden my soul and stop caring so I can just get things done and move on, thought I know that if I do that I will hate myself even more.   I fear I will lose myself completely and there will no longer be any hope for my soul.

                Now do I even believe in souls, I am not even sure myself the concept seems so far fetched in scientific terms, but considering I live in a land of fantasy because I can’t really stand reality.  This truth is sad that I can’t even fend for myself that I rely to much on everything that isn’t me and at the same time I get angry at what which keeps me alive because of my resentment for the fact that it gave me life and keeps me alive.  Did I do something wrong in a past life, did I even have a past life, did I deserve this one?  All viable questions, who is going to answer any of them better yet who would care to. 

                What am I doing with my self and why can’t I feel like I can do anything?

                Give me one good reason why.  No one has a good reason, what kind of reason am I even looking for.  What is going to make me happy, how would you know if I don’t even know?  What else is there to offer someone who wants nothing because they feel that its necessary to give in and give up.

Favorite lyrics from ”Gregory and the Hawk”:

“I swear I’m going to cry, I’m sick of trying to be tough.”- this ones my life story

“Step one- light me on fire, Step two- walk clean away.  I wont burn long and evidence of your done wrong will be gone in seconds I swear, but if you got time anyways why not watch me hurt?  Nothing is sweeter than needed revenge, oh that’s right I did nothing and you where the mean one. ”- Why not, I ask you.

“And all I think of now is a way to get under and a way to get out.”- Only when I’m at my worst

                I think this is all I can muster right now, lets try again later.