Day Two With Out Internet

                Alright so Day two of not having internet, I took the bus to Aubrey’s and used her laptop and internet to talk to Leon though I didn’t get to see his face like I hoped messages are good enough until I find a way to video chat with him by my own means.  I did Aubrey’s hair for her college thing I didn’t need to go to but I went anyways and I think I feel left out because I’m not really going with them and they’re already going away at the same time they’ll still be here.  I feel left out maybe abandoned I don’t know, but I feel messed up and its making me really depressed.  Am I losing the friends I finally got to have?  Did I ever even fit in with them?

                I really need to sort out my priorities and figure out what the fuck I’m doing with myself.  How am I going to do anything with my self if I don’t know what I want, like I know I want to work with food I really do.  I also would like to write novels and feel like I’m accomplishing things that are going to go into the world and not disappear for a very long time.  Again I feel like I need someone to save me I can’t help but feel that I’m falling into myself.

                I should have just stayed home and mopped about or cleaned my room because I didn’t realize I was setting myself up for something so depressing. I think that’s why I hide on the internet I don’t want to realize what’s going on with life I just want it to pass me by so I never have to see it .  Why does change hurt so much, when I try and grab on to something it rips away from me so fast that it makes my head spin.  Does life have something planned out for me or am I just an accident with nothing to hold on to nothing to work for.

                As a kid I thought being a house wife wouldn’t be perfect for me, you know sit at home read and clean not do anything.  See now that I want to do things, but what? Who in the hell opened my closed mind into something so confusing something that I feel that I will never find an answer.

                I’m so depressing! I very much dislike this about me, my mother tells me to blame genetics. What am I going to do break out in songs from “Repo the Genetic Opera”?  Sorry I didn’t know life was like that let me just get to it!  NOPE, guess I won’t.  I don’t think I would mind doing that, breaking out in song, but I’m pretty sure my signing would bother everyone else I’m sure I sound like a dying cat.

                I think I’m getting into a better mood because I no longer feel like crying and giving today up to sleep unto a shit tomorrow.  I really like putting things out on the internet, nobody has to read this of course you can though I just like the feeling that I have something I can pour all my hate into.  I wish I had a wheel for ceramics because I would make the shit out of clay, I’d most likely stop typing because I would get all this anger out of me and into the clay, but OH WELL!  Its not like anyone really is all that interested in me.

                Let’s get our hopes High for tomorrow just to be disappointed in me again.  I’m going to listen to “Inner party system” and sleep maybe I’ll cry, yeah that sounds like a plan.