its sad.

   Only if I could punch myself in the face and possibly put my self in a coma, being in a coma wouldn't change much about my current situation(I would be a lot quieter) considering the fact that I don't do anything.  I have currently been feeling the strong self-hate within myself to the extent that I've had images of harming myself to a large extent.  I haven't thought of killing myself that is something I can not even think of.  I think I might need a big thing of ice cream but I'm sure I'd hate myself for eating it.  Nothing seems possible, I don't want to sleep or be awake.  I need to call into work to see if I need to come in, but for the past 3 days about to be 4 I have been putting it off because I'm weak and I don't see the reason why I should.  I'm sure there is a pill I could get on so I could get to level ground with myself though I'm broke with no insurance and that leaves me back at square one. I think I'm going to pick up smoking hard core, I used to smoke and I've bearly been a non-smoker I just feel like I need something.
   I started reading again, I tend to read in the bath so I took a long soak to gather my curage to do what I must for myself then I got out and depression hit me hard so hard I'm shaking to hold back my tears.  Why does this happen to me?  I wish I could get over it for good so I can move on and live my life.
   Alright I went out side for a breather and sang to the moon, because I do that. I feel much better and I'm going to post the song and the lyrics of what I sang.

Lyrics :

I am nothing without pretend 
I know my thoughts
Can't live with them 
I am nothing without a man
I know my thoughts
But I can't hide them

I still keep my baby teeth 
In the bedside table with my jewelry
You still sleep in the bed with me, 
My jewelry, and my baby teeth 

I don't need another friend
When most of them 
I can barely keep up with them
Perfectly able to hold my own hand, 
But I still can't kiss my own neck

I wanted to give you everything 
But I still stand in awe of superficial things
I wanted to love you like my mother's mother's mothers did
Civilian
Civilian