Ah a happy forth of july! I’m sitting in the dark on the internet jamming out to “The Beatles” all alone. I missed out on the fireworks and that’s ok because they will be there next year. I’m going to jam out to a lot of tunes while playing on my brothers X-Box and chatting on the phone with a new found friend J he’s a cool person.
I will regret none of my decisions made I will do what I want. I enjoy being alone though I do confess I get paranoid and check the windows for strange people or zombies because you’ll never know when you’ll need to be prepared to flee! Not that the families surrounding my house with there firecrackers are making me jealous or any thing… -Looks away awkwardly before bowing my head- Yeah they are. I really wish I was enjoying my night with someone. J I hope its ok to cry to myself tonight because I feel so alienated from life like this place will harbor my soul What if I’m dead and this is my eternity alone in this house as punishment for being afraid to want to go out and do things on my own. Man why am I like this? Can’t I just grab my nonexistent BALLS march out of here and do something with my life. Why am I so dependent?! Why am I just bitching about it instead of actually doing something?! I’ve figured it out! I’m afraid of people. Why you may be asking, I really have no answer to this I have no clue when I started to feel this way I’ve only realized this recently see I’m supposed to have a job and do things to progress my life but I can’t I’m stopping myself.
Helen asked if it was because of rejection, its not I have no fear of that I would probably hope I would be rejected. Its not that I don’t have people skills because that wouldn’t be true I’ve been a goody-goody all my life I can chat with people and have a good conversation. Meh I’m done with this! Haha well for now any ways my depressions kicking my ass right now but I’ll pick back up in a bit… I hope O.O
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